The struggle to define a self within the intense emotional field of family relationships is relevant, indeed central to all of our lives.

We all do better in life when we can stay reasonably connected to important others; when we can listen to them without trying to change, convince or fix; and when we have a clear bottom line (I am not willing to live with these behaviours)…and de-instensify our anxious focus on the other’s problem and put our primary energy into clarifying our own beliefs, convictions, values and priorities, while formulating plans and life goals that are congruent with these.

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the ability to stay responsibly connected to family members and to define a solid self in this arena, helps to bring a more solid self to other intimate relationships.

when family relationships have been especially painful and there are cutoffs or distance it is always a trade off. the plus is that we avoid the strong, uncomfortable feelings that contact with certain family members inevitably evokes. the costs are that the excessive anxiety, reactivity, and intensity is brought into other intimate relationships instead...

if we can slowly move in the direction of reconnecting rather than in the direction of more cutoff, there are benefits to the self and generations to come.